Rex (rapp81) wrote,
Rex
rapp81

Meh

It's almost seven, and I've been up for a couple of hours already.  I ended up falling asleep sometime before 11 last night.  Usually when I sleep at my mom's house, I sleep pretty well as I am not awaken by the noises that occur on San Fernando when I'm at my apartment.  However, for the past two nights I've been sleeping here, I'd wake up with this weird feeling.

The weird feeling I've been waking up to is the same feeling I've been waking up to for the past couple of weeks.  It's hard to transcribe the feeling into words.  However, it has to deal with the fact that the thoughts I used to think several months ago.

During these past several months, I've been thinking differently about myself.  I've been making a valiant effort to boost my self confidence, whether I say to myself that I am good looking or that I have qualities that guys would love to see in a person.  But for the past couple of weeks, I've been doubting that.  Which would probably explain some of my posts these past few weeks that some of you have seen... me acting like a gitty teenage boy.  (Yes Scott (biglovescott), I was acting like a 13-year-old boy in regards to that CHP officer!)  I've been trying to distract myself from the feelings I've been feeling by disillusioning myself into this fantasy world where I can envision myself in some sort bliss.

Lately, I've been reading or hearing about my friends just easily meeting new people and some actually going on dates.  As has been the constant case with me, I can't even get a hello back or even engage into a good conversation with anyone I attempt to talk to, unless they're looking to fuck me... Then I have to let those horny bastards know that I'm a top to fend them off.  (I only bottom if I'm in a serious relationship, btw... and it's been over two years since I've done so)

For the most part, guys online are the most vicious ones out there.  I've been logging on more frequently than usual onto gay.com and XY.  Over on XY, I'd be clicking on a profile on someone I think is cute, read the profile, then get to the end to find the line that says either only looking for white guys (which I can deal with, except for when their profile says they're just looking for friends) or looking for... and list every ethnicity except for Asian.

I've tried explaining this to some of you, but nobody can seem to fully understand it.  Having to be constantly being thought of as one who carries several stereotypes based off your ethnicity is something I have issues with beyond no end.  I joke around saying that I'm white washed.  The truth of the matter is, I was raised in a suburban, middle-class environment, in which I was open minded in meeting different types of people.  In grade school, I was exposed to a whole spectrum of types of people.  There were the hella ghetto ones, the preppy ones, the punk rocker ones, all in a confined space.  At the time, I found myself associating myself with all of those groups.  When high school came along, the whole spectrum was there, but it was bigger.  I soon grew to find out that the hella ghetto ones only wanted to associate with themselves and treat those who weren't in conformance with them as outcasts.  Of course, those types of people were mainly non-white, thus why I started hanging out with others who were predominately white.

Going back to what I was saying, the searching online has been getting to me because of the ethnicity issue.  As I said earlier, I have been thinking to myself that I am a good looking guy, but it's hard to go past the cockiness in cyberspace.

A year ago, I was pretty making weekly trips to the Castro, not only to have fun with friends, but to immerse myself with a huge group of people, hopefully to at least network and meet new people.  Nowadays, going there is a rare, special event.  I'm not a guy to just go there by myself, only because I've had extremely bad experiences in doing so.

To add on my never-ending list of self-confidence issues, I'm re-realizing my tendency of guys I end up falling for: (in ranking order) Guys with major issues and can't be open about them and be truthful, guys who are straight, and guys already taken by someone else.  Seriously, is it really that difficult to find someone who's not any of the above and is at least cute, easy going, clean cut, fun to be with, and have them have some slight indication that they're into me as well?

Yesterday, I was thinking of telling someone I've been crushing on for a long time that I thought he was cute.  But things happened in our conversation along with my fear of tendency #2 prevented me in doing so.

Anyways, I've been at this post for about an hour now...  I don't really expect any responses (or types of responses) on the matter.  I just needed to get this out.  If you've actually made it this far, thanks :)

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